he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
