Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
