I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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