sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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