i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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