found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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