i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
