apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize