Apparently you make a good broom.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
