i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
