that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
