He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Blood and glitter go together right?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
