You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
