I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize