I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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