I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
