i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
