you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
