Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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