I wish I could teleport
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
