she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
