conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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