So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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