Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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