Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
