why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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