Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize