apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
