You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How external is "for external use only"?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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