"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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