She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
