I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
