i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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