Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
