I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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