the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sarcasm needs its own font
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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