You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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