I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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