dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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