You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
what is it with giant penises always finding me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize