I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
