i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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