I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
