she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
