I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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