I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
