Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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