"it" just moved
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
