I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
