New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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