you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
