You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
