Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
