anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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