just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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