your parents love me but you hate me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
