Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize