I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
