alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
