do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
