So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
