You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
