I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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