I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
