On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize