Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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