ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
