turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
