Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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