Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
