Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
